Those words pretty much sum up my ambition lately.
I could blame it on a few things: 4 months ago I moved to a new city, and I’m still finding my feet; I’m an empty-nester now that both my daughters are off to college; Winter/The holiday season is traditionally my slow time of year for work (few weddings, counseling clients are taking breaks, etc.); It’s soooo cold and gloomy!
Regardless of where the “blame” lies, I’m feeling dry, dark, uninspired. I want to crawl into bed or lie on the couch and just drift.
And, I can do that. I have all the tools to be a really successful rest-er. I can nap, watch TV, journal, read a bit, or do a crossword puzzle. I can even tell myself that I’m in a cocooning phase, that I’ve got internal work to do and will soon be emerging into a glorious butterfly…or perhaps an interesting moth.
Some days it is easier to be gentle with myself and let this resting be “ok”. I support myself with positive self-talk and open myself into the sacred space to simply be present with what is and all the feelings that arise.
And some days I wander the house, stare into the fridge or cupboards for “just a bite of something”, wish I had planned lunch with a friend, resent the load of laundry that needs to be washed, and wear the crankiest cranky pants EVER! I moan and groan (mostly internally) that I need to be DOING something, even though I’m not sure in which direction that “something” lies. Because, you know, by golly, that if I DID know, I would track it down, do it, and check it off my damn list! I could point to that thing and claim success. I could tell someone else how I am moving in the direction of my goal. Of course, that leads me to question how much of what I do is so I can claim it and tell someone else?
Learning to flow with the seasons of life ain’t always easy, my friends. And, just when I think I’ve found my flow, even in the not-so-flowy times, I smash into a rock of judgement that says that I’m a failure because I am not producing. And, then I get to unpack the self-worth baggage again. I have to remember that my worthiness as a person is not intrinsically connected to checking things off a list or have a finished “product” to show off.
I hate those rocks of judgement! And, I also understand that they exist to make me pause, to create a space, and hold up a mirror for me to see (again) what old story tape in my brain is no longer serving me and needs to be released. In looking within and examining my stories, I get to decide who I am and how I show up in the world.
Perhaps that is inspiring enough for today.